[❤笑話] 國文老師的告白

一位國文老師的告白
我是個國中的國文老師，生平最痛苦的事情就是改作文!!
字醜就算了，還會自己學倉頡創字!!
創字就算了，還會用自己奇怪的邏輯寫句子!!
每次都改到哭笑不得……………

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１、元旦時，我們全家一起到歷史博物館參觀「冰馬桶」…
師評：有這樣的東西嗎？我也要去！（兵馬俑）


２、早上起床整裡「遺容」後，我們到學校集合，搭車前往墾丁畢業旅行
師評：不知道你家是哪一家殯儀館？老師一直都不知道…（儀容）


３、昨晚左眼皮跳個不停，當時就覺得那是「胸罩」，果然今天皮夾被扒走了!
師評：孩子，你已經這麼大了嗎？（凶兆)


４、報上說重金屬污染過的牡蠣，可「治」癌…
師評：一字之差，養蚵人家翻身矣！我是不是該趕快去養牡蠣？會賺到翻哦… (致癌)


５、昨晚我和同學到速食店吃晚餐，我們點了兩個漢堡、「雞份一塊」…
師評：好吃嗎？雞糞？（雞塊一份）


６、星期天準備外出逛街時，匆忙之間不小心給「肛門」夾到，真倒楣!!
師評：老師很好奇──誰的肛門這麼大…？（鋼門）


７、四下無人，不要從背後拍我肩膀，我很容易「受精」…
師評：孩子，我可能是你爸哦… 老師記得曾這樣讓很多人「受精」喔!（受驚）


８、逛完花市後，我花錢買下「賤男」，準備帶回家過年。
師評：發音正確一點，「劍蘭」會哭的…


９、我的歷史老師長髮披肩，個子矮小，脾氣不好，有一點點「胸」…
師評：歷史老師要我轉告你「等下上歷史課﹐皮給我繃緊一點。」（兇）


１０、我認為自己是個品學兼「憂」的好學生…
師評：你是該憂了 ── 不及格。（優）


１１、在「崎嶇坎坷」的人生「康莊大道」上，我們要堅定方向…
師評：此路可繼世界八大奇蹟兵馬俑之後，登上第九大奇蹟。


１２、從小就住在我們家隔壁的陳伯伯住家三樓最後面一間廚房不知道為什麼會三不五時地飄來一陣又一陣烹煮紅燒牛肉時所散發出來的濃濃迷人中藥味道…
師評：明天麻煩你一口氣唸完這句給我聽，不准換氣。

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這次出的作文題目是：美食與我
我非常沾沾自喜，相當期待這麼生活化又簡單的題目一定能讓他們發揮的淋漓盡致，可以減輕我每次改作文到快往生的噩運!!!
沒想到我錯了!!!!!!!
這些天兵天將們每個都是未來的棟樑????……
節錄一些下來:

1.我最喜歡吃的食物是生魚片，但是生魚片最讓我困擾的地方就是他的魚刺很多。

2.我最喜歡吃的食物是生魚片，唯一美中不足的是，他總是沒煮熟。

3.我最喜歡吃的美食是青菜，青菜中最喜歡吃的美食是白菜，為什麼喜歡吃白菜呢？因為他是青菜的一種（繞口令嗎？）

4.我最喜歡吃滷肉飯跟貢丸湯，他們對我來說不只是一種美食，而是……兩種美食。(真是謝謝你的數學教學）

5.我最喜歡吃外婆煮的菜，裡面包含了很多愛心，但是萬一外婆死了我就吃不到了，所以我要趁外婆還活著的時候，叫他每天煮三餐給我吃。(這算虐待老人嗎？)

6.我最喜歡吃那種在外面跑的雞肉（所以你要吃雞肉前都要追著他跑？）

7.我最喜歡吃美食，是那種出現陸地上，天天都看的到的那種肉（人肉？）

8.我對美食的要求很嚴格，他不能是由一位傷心的廚師做出來的（連續劇看太多了，孩子）

9.媽媽很厲害，他下廚以後，可以把一顆蛋變成一顆荷包蛋（不然呢？）

10.每次媽媽煮完菜我們全家都會歡呼，於是媽媽就走進廚房再做第二道（原來你家都是一道菜煮完再煮一道…）

11.我很喜歡跟爸爸去逛夜市，因為美食都能讓我感到垂涎三尺，只要我看到那些食物出現，就會跟爸爸說我要吃這個我要吃那個結果我當然什麼都沒吃到（好心酸的孩子）

12.我最喜歡吃媽媽煮的菜，跟外面賣的差的可遠呢!（那到底是好吃還是不好吃？）

13.世界上美食很多，其中我最喜歡吃的外國料理是台南擔仔麵（同學，請問你是哪國人？）

14.生魚片實在是太好吃了，每次一想到我的口水都會緩緩的滴下來…（慢動作嗎？）

15.有一樣食物讓我百吃不厭，那就是雙胞胎，名字聽起來大家一定都會覺得很奇怪，沒錯，他就是很奇怪（這樣有解釋到嗎？）

16.我吃東西總是又快又急，沒辦法，熟能生巧嘛!（我呼吸總是又快又急，沒辦法，熟能生巧嘛…！）


有前輩說：他上輩子殺了人，所以這輩子處罰他當老師。
唉...我想我不只殺了人，還是………………殺..錯..人….才會淪落到當國文老師………


換小學老師了:

１。題目：一邊……一邊……
小朋友寫：他一邊脫衣服，一邊穿褲子 。
老師批語：他到底是要脫還是要穿啊？

２。題目：其中
小朋友寫：我的其中一只左腳受傷了。
老師批語：你是蜈蚣嗎？

３。題目：陸陸續續
小朋友寫：下班了，爸爸陸陸續續的回家了。
老師批語：你到底有幾個爸爸呀？

４。題目：難過
小朋友寫：我家門前有條水溝很難過。
老師批語：老師更難過。

５。題目：又 又
小朋友寫：我的媽媽又矮又高又胖又瘦。
老師批語；你的媽媽是變形金鋼嗎？

６。題目：你看
小朋友寫：你看什麼看！沒看過啊
老師批語：沒看過

７。題目：欣欣向榮
小朋友寫：欣欣向榮榮告白。
老師批語：連續劇不要看太多了！

８。題目：好吃
小朋友寫：好吃個屁。
老師批語：有些東西是不能吃的。

９。題目：天真
小朋友寫：今天真熱。
老師批語：你真天真。

１０。題目：果然
小朋友寫：昨天我吃水果，然後喝涼水。
老師批語：是詞組，不能分開的。

１１。題目：先……再……，例題：先吃飯，再冼澡。
小朋友寫：先生，再見！
老師批語：想像力超過了地球人的智慧。

１２。題目：況且
小朋友寫：一列火車經過，況且況且況且況且況且況
老師批語：我死了算了 @@

原文自 Forward Mail

[❤美食] 090404 - 090405

上星期6早上到爺爺奶奶那掃完墓, 路經 Tg Bungah 的時候, 照每年的慣例我們都會停在 Tg Bungah 路旁吃馬來人賣的 laksa (拉沙) 和華人叔叔賣的 Rojak (囉也).  

Tg Bungah 路邊有幾檔 laksa 哦~ 我們愛吃的那檔是位於為Tsunami受影響的居民而建的屋子對面的那檔.  他們家的 laksa 真的很好吃, 跟華人賣的是很不同的, 不過怎麼覺得價錢一年比一年貴呢?  從一開始吃的 RM1.20, 到今天的 RM 2.00  (萬物皆漲~ 怎麼薪水沒有漲呢?) 

微酸帶點微辣的 laksa 湯, 加上 laksa 麵條, 好好吃啦!

其實他們家的 laksa 湯不會很辣, 因為我家2個小瓜都可以吃, 尤其虎弟竟然學我們貪吃2人組一個人吃2碗!  (OS: 駱小豬, 難怪你都不能瘦)

老闆很大方, laksa 花, 辣椒仔還有蝦膏都放在桌子上, 隨便你高興加多少就加多少~

華人叔叔賣的 Rojak (註1), 他的 rojak 有加 "巴拉煎粉" (Balacan粉) 還有炸油條 (RM 4)

 

⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹

 

星期6晚上本來是要去北海吃東炎粥, 但是由於下大雨, 所以改換到 Explanade Hawker Center 去吃好吃的飛鴻巴哩洞 & 竹灘.  (小販中心的一邊是馬來同胞的檔口, 另外一邊是華人的檔口)

粉好吃的 "少女的初吻" - 巴哩洞,  趁熱吃比較容易吸哦!

很讚的姜絲炒 "竹灘"

 

⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹⊰⊹

 

星期天我們的早餐是最近 Astro 一直重複播放的大路后金龍鹵面. 

金龍鹵麵不錯吃, 我覺得Jones Road 轉角咖啡店的海南鹵面也很不錯哦! 他們家的海南咖啡也很讚~

 

 

 

註1 : Rojak  -  不同種類的水果 (芒果, 黃梨, 芭樂, 黃瓜, 魷魚...) 淋上蝦膏 (可以加辣椒, 也可以不要加), 再撒上花生碎.   

 

PS 1 : 那天晚上有被小販中心的小販嚇到, 我們2人才坐下 (應該說屁屁剛沾到椅子吧!), 就有一堆小販圍著我們的桌子問我們要不要點餐, 真的被嚇到了! (有被圍攻的感覺也~怕怕)

 

[❤分享] Useful Survival Tips @ The Workplace

LESSON 1


A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says : " Normally, one is granted three wishes, but as you are three, I will allow one wish each. "
So the eager senior manager shouted : " I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pfufffff …. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted : " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "
Pfufffff …. And he was also gone.
The boss calmly said : " I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.30 pm. "

MORAL OF THE STORY : ALWAYS LET THE BOSS SPEAK FIRST



LESSON 2


Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,
" Listen," said the CEO, " this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
" Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
" Excellent, excellent! " said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine.
" I just need one copy. "

MORAL OF THE STORY : NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING



LESSON 3


An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When the American turned to the Japanese and asked
" What kind of -ese are you ? "
The Japanese, confused, replied : " Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean. "
The American repeated : " What kind of -ese are you ? "
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled : " What kind of -ese are you
... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese !, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied : " Oh, I am a Japanese. "

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled : " What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?! "
The Japanese said, " Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee ? "

MORAL OF THE STORY : NEVER INSULT ANYONE



LESSON 4


There were these 4 guys --- a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who together found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said : " Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true. "

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted : " Wine ! "
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was very happy, swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn.
He did the same and shouted : " Vodka ! " and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted : " Beer ! "
He was likewise very contented with his beer-filled pool.

The last is the American.
He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel.
He slipped towards the pool and shouted, " Shit !!!!!!!.........."

MORAL OF THE STORY : ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING,
BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN !



LESSON 5


The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
Each organ took a turn to speak up.
Brain... I should be in charge because I run all body functions..
Blood.. I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food for the brain.
Legs..... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes......I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.

Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE

原文自 Foward Mail